sickfucksickfuckboosuckfucksoosickuckkboo

My throat hurts. It hurts so bad. It feels like there are two golf balls lodged in each side with pins sticking out of them. Every time I talk, cough or god forbid, swallow, it sends shooting pain throughout my neck.

I never get sick, yet here I am during an incredibly mild beginning to Winter, during the most important week for the business I work for and I cannot do shit except roll around on the bed moaning.

Fucking Karma.

I cant afford to miss work. I hate being confined to a bed. I tried to tough it out on Thursday but I nearly passed out around 4pm and had to leave. So here I sit in a cold sweat, praying that this infection or whatever it is breaks tonight. I am surprised I can type since I am loaded with so much cold medicine and pain killers. The funny thing is the throat still hurts and I shouldn't be able to feel a thing. Yipeeee.

I am babbling. I am half asleep and all hopped up on the Q among others.

I must smell pretty bad.

I need to wash my sheets and fumigate my room.

I watched Al Gores Documentary "An Inconvenient Truth" the other night. I recommend it. I actually learned a lot. I think he should run again. well. maybe. Maybe its the Q talking.

I am very hungry. I cannot swallow anything hard. Ooops. I walked into that one. But really, its all soup and shit and Ice Cream. Do I have any Ice Cream? I don't know.

When your alone, being sick is the worst. Nothing sucks worst then going out in the rain and wind to pick up soup and Ice Cream for yourself.

Oh, Whoa is me!

Now, that's definitely the Q talkin.

I may call an excorcist soon.


Needs sleepy,
JA

Change?

The Dems win big and take control of the House and most likely the Senate too.

That bastard Rumsfeld has resigned and watching Bush stutter and sweat through his press conference today was priceless.

Maybe this country is heading for change finally?

We can only wait and see.

More on this later but Lost is on. :-)

Serpico's gotta go,
J

Go Vote

Today is election day.

Remember you cant bitch if you dont vote.

Get out there and do your duty.





More tommorrow,
J

Over thinking, over analyzing, separates the body from the mind

With my feet upon the ground
I lose myself between the sounds
and open wide to suck it in,
I feel it move across my skin.

I'm reaching up and reaching out,
I'm reaching for the random or
what ever will bewilder me.

And following our will and wind
we may just go where no one's been.

We'll ride the spiral to the end

and may just go where no one's been.


Spiral Out


Keep Going,


Spiral Out


Keep Going,


Spiral Out


Keep Going.......



gnight,
j

Happy Birthday Duke

Tommorrow is my cousins Rick's Birthday.

I just wanted to take a second and wish him a happy one.

Thank you cuz for all the hope and support through out the years.

Shit, we arent even close to done stompin the terra yet.

luv,
Justino

Called Out

I have been called out. Some are starting to put the screws to me and I deserve it.

I think some folks are ready for me to put up or shut up. Every so often I come up with these crazy ideas for change and begin to start fashioning my life into what I really want and not what others think is best for me. Every so often I put myself to sleep with grandiose dreams of travel and creativity and a future paved with nothing but unending happiness and love. Then I let reality creep its way in and slowly suffocate the life out it all and when I truly put it all into perspective I realize just how risky it truly is.

Most importantly though, maybe its not what I really want.

Everyone has there own idea of Utopia. Mine is quite simple. I want to make a living doing something I love and spend the rest of my days surrounded by people who I love and who can reciprocate that. Now if that ain't a pipe dream I don't know what is. Call me pessimistic but isn't that what most everyone wants? Its just quite hard to nail both of those things down @ once. Ive had one but not the other. Never had both. Unfortunately there is a lot of sacrifice involved and some people do not want to make that choice. Ive thought about it many times but the thought of losing one of those things defeats the other. Its a fucking merry-go-round in a goddamn rabbit hole and theres no way to go but round and round. Or down, with nary a chance of climbing out. Hows that for a mindfuck?

All we humans have for hope is love. Love of another. Love of art, love of creativity and the thought of finding true love in all we do. Not just love of a significant other. Think of the power love has and imagine if you really loved your job like you do the person who lays beside you every night? Can anyone even fathom that? I think our puny human brains would explode from the pressure. Imagine going to bed with someone you love and then spending the day doing something you love only to come home to see the face of that one person who lights your days and calms your evenings and being filled with euphoria and knowing all is well. Its a nearly unattainable Utopia only a computer program could invent ala the Matrix. Ahh, but remember the Line Agent Smith tells Morpheus in the first film?

"Did you know the first Matrix was designed to be a perfect human world where none suffered and everyone was happy? It was a disaster, no one would except the program and entire crops were lost. Some believe that we lacked the programming language to describe your perfect world but I believe that as a species human beings define their reality through misery and suffering."

I know its a movie and thoroughly a bummer way to view things but I believe it to be true. We all try every day to find that toe hold and cling to the things that help us sleep better and move through our day with smiles and some have succeeded. Maybe that's what I'm trying to find. Maybe I'm going at it the wrong way or maybe I am not ready to give up on that one thing to try and find the other.

Maybe I believe they are both attainable and I want to be one of the select few to change the status quo. Or maybe Agent Smith was right and we are all truly fucked. Who knows.

There is really only one way to find out.

And that's to do it. Or at least die trying. If you can lay on your deathbed and honestly tell yourself you gave it your all then hey, there is a cold beer waiting for you in Valhalla.

So I want to thank everyone who stops by here and to all who comment on my childish ramblings and for the ones who called me out, thanks. I needed that.

I am not gonna promise I will write here every week or make a movie in the next month or whatever but I will promise you this. I am going to try real hard and I will keep my future ahead of me and the past is in the wind.

Just remember, not every ones dreams are attainable but the paths that lead us there are open to all.

My dream is Love and for that I pay the price everyday but that is my choice and with that in mind I sleep a tiny bit less restless every night.

But just a little less.


Playing the worlds tiniest violin,
JKA



P.S- A couple of things. First another Movie recommendation. Finally available on DVD is last years Project Greenlight flick "Feast". Its a silly, gory horror flick made on the cheap with a great cast and cool new director. Check it out for some Evil Dead 2 style fun. Also check out my pal Bob's recent rant on the "Fairer Sex" over at the ole Towne Pub. So its a little generalized but I couldn't help agreeing with a lot of what he says. Ladies, please no death threats. Lets just use it to start a good old fashioned debate shall we? Also, I know not much has been going on over @ formerlifefilms.com but there really isn't anything new to report. Still learning the new camera and trying to relearn HTML but I'm working on it. I will post here when anything new goes up there.

Thanks again for reading.

Reborn

Shit.

I just cant create under pressure. This last week I have put some much undue pressure on myself to relaunch my Blog and my new website that I think my head is going to crack open under all the stress. It would be interesting to see what falls out onto the floor if said event were to occur. I just wanted to do it for myself really. Its not like any ones been clamoring for me to start writing again. Sure we all get the occasionally kick in the ass from friends or family but why do we create stuff in the first place? Its really just for us. 2 years ago I said blogging was a form of therapy for me and it was and hopefully still will be. This time though it all has a higher purpose. Its all about reaching for those dreams most of us feel are so far out of reach we have given up and fell into the rat race called everyday life and started to wave the white flag. Its all about keeping those creative juices flowing. Flexing the muscles of our mind.

So I cant give up.

Not me.

Not yet anyway.

Since I was a child I wanted to be an author and a Movie Director. Movies were really my favorite of all. I cant write. Not good enough for mass consumption anyway and honestly I don't have the patience or the confidence in my work to pursue it much further than this. This is the second go here @ relaunching my Blog because I usually re-read it and hate it. But film. Well that's a different story. I haven't even began to cut my teeth on that animal.

But back to blogging. I wanted to try and have a theme this time. I enjoy politics and and love to riff on all the bullshit our politicians and talking heads spew @ us daily but honestly all you have to do is turn to Comedy Central to see it done to perfection. John Stewarts the Daily Show and The Colbert Report get it done right. The right mix of seriousness and comedy mixed up just right. Stewarts show is fucking genius and I couldn't wash his drawers. Just last night as I was writing about Rep. Mark Foleys recent folly's and how the republicans were running for cover and Fox news was spinning it out of control, finding anyway possible to throw it in the Democrats lap. Sean Hannity even had the gall to bring up some Democrat who actually "had sex with a young page back in 1982, and that wasn't that long ago" Unbelievable. The Daily Show did it justice. So tune in to John and Colbert and smile. They keep us laughing even as the current administration is violating every freedom and liberty we have left. We cant complain though. The majority spoke and we lost. All we can do now is form our own little pockets of resistance and create our own utopia. One without war and hate and right wing wacko's and bleeding heart liberals.

(Ok, so that sounded a little too crunchy for me.)

"911 changed every thing!" they bellow at us.

No, you and your cronies changed everything. Well you, your cronies and a few million religious fanatics who still take everything in the Bible literally. Well @ least the parts that work for them.

But lets not get started on that. Religious fanaticism is kind of like an itchy asshole on a long car ride. It annoys the shit out of you but no matter how much you itch it just wont go away until its ready too or you reach the next rest stop. By then the damage is done. They aren't ready to stop and there is no rest stop or shower in sight.

I bash a lot of organized religion here and sometimes I feel bad about it because I'm not ignorant to the fact that most people of faith are good people who live there lives as they see fit and leave the rest of us alone. Faith is a wonderful and powerful thing. I have faith, the guy that pumps gas down the street has faith, even Charlie Manson had faith. We just have our own versions of it. The sorry fact is too many religious folk feel the need to remind us @ how our faith is false and only their own will bring them salvation while the rest of us are damned to eternal suffering. The irony is I could point out so many prominent religious figures over the years that spent there life pointing the finger @ us "sinners" yet in the background they were bilking people out of millions and banging STD infected hookers on the side. Irony is so cliche these days.

I'm off on a rant again. See what happens? So where was I? Oh yeah, Movies. I have always wanted to make my own films and I lugged around a lot of Video Cameras as a youth, making half assed flicks and documentaries with my friends. Most were terrible and are lost unfortunately or fortunately maybe. Anyone that knows me knows my passion for the Motion Picture's has sometimes forced me to make sacrifices that were probably for the worse. Had to stay up and finish the Godfather trilogy for the tenth time then end up being late for work for the tenth time. Spent some bill money on that Special Edition of The Evil Dead even though I own 12 copies of it already. I was hooked on EBay for awhile and bought a lot of DVD's.

In the back of mind the whole time all i wanted to do was make my own. So here we are, the beginning of a new era for me. The Blog is back and the newly launched FORMERLIFEFILMS.COM will be up and running sooner than later I hope. I am trying to reteach myself HTML and the interface on the hosting company I chose sucks. Trust me though it will be up soon. I hope to be able to use it as a launching point and look forward to creating some interesting independent productions. See the Links section on this blog for a direct link.

Look, we all need those little dreams to hang onto. My cousin is a writer and a great one @ that. Anyone that knows me or followed my last Blog know all about Rick and JIGGLEBOX.COM His inspiration over the years has helped to bring me this point. I am not stupid, I know I have to work, pay my bills etc. but my free time will be spent putting as much time and effort into FLF as possible.

I have a camera.

I have a website.

And I have a dream.

I suggest you all do the same. Life is too short.

justin-Oct. 5th 10pm

The Burning Mind recommends:

Go rent or Buy: The Devil in Daniel Johnston on DVD (In depth review coming to formerlifefilms.com)

Be sure to Watch: The Daily Show with John Stewart

So the the Burning Mind Begins, i will randomly post randomly random randomnous on a random basis. FLF will be more movie oriented featuring film reviews, short videos, indie film tips and trips etc.

I love your comments. Please feel free to post away.