Called Out

I have been called out. Some are starting to put the screws to me and I deserve it.

I think some folks are ready for me to put up or shut up. Every so often I come up with these crazy ideas for change and begin to start fashioning my life into what I really want and not what others think is best for me. Every so often I put myself to sleep with grandiose dreams of travel and creativity and a future paved with nothing but unending happiness and love. Then I let reality creep its way in and slowly suffocate the life out it all and when I truly put it all into perspective I realize just how risky it truly is.

Most importantly though, maybe its not what I really want.

Everyone has there own idea of Utopia. Mine is quite simple. I want to make a living doing something I love and spend the rest of my days surrounded by people who I love and who can reciprocate that. Now if that ain't a pipe dream I don't know what is. Call me pessimistic but isn't that what most everyone wants? Its just quite hard to nail both of those things down @ once. Ive had one but not the other. Never had both. Unfortunately there is a lot of sacrifice involved and some people do not want to make that choice. Ive thought about it many times but the thought of losing one of those things defeats the other. Its a fucking merry-go-round in a goddamn rabbit hole and theres no way to go but round and round. Or down, with nary a chance of climbing out. Hows that for a mindfuck?

All we humans have for hope is love. Love of another. Love of art, love of creativity and the thought of finding true love in all we do. Not just love of a significant other. Think of the power love has and imagine if you really loved your job like you do the person who lays beside you every night? Can anyone even fathom that? I think our puny human brains would explode from the pressure. Imagine going to bed with someone you love and then spending the day doing something you love only to come home to see the face of that one person who lights your days and calms your evenings and being filled with euphoria and knowing all is well. Its a nearly unattainable Utopia only a computer program could invent ala the Matrix. Ahh, but remember the Line Agent Smith tells Morpheus in the first film?

"Did you know the first Matrix was designed to be a perfect human world where none suffered and everyone was happy? It was a disaster, no one would except the program and entire crops were lost. Some believe that we lacked the programming language to describe your perfect world but I believe that as a species human beings define their reality through misery and suffering."

I know its a movie and thoroughly a bummer way to view things but I believe it to be true. We all try every day to find that toe hold and cling to the things that help us sleep better and move through our day with smiles and some have succeeded. Maybe that's what I'm trying to find. Maybe I'm going at it the wrong way or maybe I am not ready to give up on that one thing to try and find the other.

Maybe I believe they are both attainable and I want to be one of the select few to change the status quo. Or maybe Agent Smith was right and we are all truly fucked. Who knows.

There is really only one way to find out.

And that's to do it. Or at least die trying. If you can lay on your deathbed and honestly tell yourself you gave it your all then hey, there is a cold beer waiting for you in Valhalla.

So I want to thank everyone who stops by here and to all who comment on my childish ramblings and for the ones who called me out, thanks. I needed that.

I am not gonna promise I will write here every week or make a movie in the next month or whatever but I will promise you this. I am going to try real hard and I will keep my future ahead of me and the past is in the wind.

Just remember, not every ones dreams are attainable but the paths that lead us there are open to all.

My dream is Love and for that I pay the price everyday but that is my choice and with that in mind I sleep a tiny bit less restless every night.

But just a little less.


Playing the worlds tiniest violin,
JKA



P.S- A couple of things. First another Movie recommendation. Finally available on DVD is last years Project Greenlight flick "Feast". Its a silly, gory horror flick made on the cheap with a great cast and cool new director. Check it out for some Evil Dead 2 style fun. Also check out my pal Bob's recent rant on the "Fairer Sex" over at the ole Towne Pub. So its a little generalized but I couldn't help agreeing with a lot of what he says. Ladies, please no death threats. Lets just use it to start a good old fashioned debate shall we? Also, I know not much has been going on over @ formerlifefilms.com but there really isn't anything new to report. Still learning the new camera and trying to relearn HTML but I'm working on it. I will post here when anything new goes up there.

Thanks again for reading.